right now

maley is napping. it is a miracle. it took me over an hour to achieve this miracle and i am holding my breath as i type because she could wake up screaming at any moment. it's a weird thing, the naps. i am desperate to get her down for a nap but the minute i am alone without her all i want to do is look at pictures of her pretty face or videos of her making her sweet grunting noises. so far during this nap i have pounded thin some chicken breasts that i bought ON SPECIAL!! and made a little marinade out of garlic, honey and balsamic dressing i had in the fridge. i feel very domestic.

last night we watched 127 hours. you know that part in the movie where he sort of realizes he's really really stuck and he starts having the flashback/hallucinations? and then he says to himself aloud "don't lose it." i feel like i've been chanting the same thing to myself these past few days. these are the last few days of my maternity leave and the thought of not being with maley and devoting 100% of my thoughts and efforts on her is about to break my heart. in the middle of nursing her i tell myself to stop watching tv and just stare at her and soak it in because the luxury of being able to do this in the middle of any given weekday is about to end.

it really has felt so luxurious to be able to be with her these past 15 weeks. i am so lucky to have had all this time. i have loved every second of it, even when she's doing her cry-whine, even when she's blown out the 3rd diaper of the day, and even when i don't get out of the house or shower all day. all it takes is her little gummy smile to make my heart gallop out of my chest.

sometimes i feel like i am on the verge of losing it-- sometimes i'm on the verge of tears just thinking about not spending every waking second with her. i wonder how i will juggle the demands of my job with tending to her and making sure all is right in her world. i wonder if she will miss me, or if she will adapt to her new 8am-5pm caretaker {my awesome mom}. will she start to prefer my mom over me? will i be able to do a good work and also be a good mom?

don't cry. don't lose it. maley's awake now. off to squeeze her sweet cheeks.